Looking back on 2019
I started 2019 with the intention of slowing down. The year previous I managed to up my daily average speed to well over the speed limit. I did everything super fast and was feeling the effects. However much I tried to ease off and slow the pace I couldn’t. I’ve got jittery, like an addict waiting for their next fix. So rather than set a new year’s resolution, I chose to set an intention for myself – a phrase or word that I wanted to embrace. I chose the phrase “slow down.” Little did I realise that the universe would conspire, and I would be quite literally be stopped in my tracks not once but twice in 2019.
New Year’s Day my beloved Nan had a mini stroke. She spent January in hospital and February in a nursing home. She died 1st March. Despite me telling myself for many years that my 93-year-old nan’s time on earth may be up soon, the finality of her death winded me in a brutal way. I felt hollow and empty. I would cry just thinking of her, hours would pass and I’d be sat in a vacant stupor. It was as if part of my life it gone for good. It took a lot of time and effort to get going again, tentatively finding a new way to live.
The autumn then threw me a second curve ball to deal with, my mum was diagnosed with skin cancer. A part of my brain reassured me that it was one of the most treatable forms of cancer, but then I was presented with the bad news stories – Vinnie Jones‘s wife Tanya died of a melanoma. I tried to contain the rising fear and this paralysed me again. From the moment of my mum‘s diagnosis to the meeting after her treatment where she was given the all clear it felt as if I’d held my breath.
I have wondered what impact 2019 has had on me. I teach primary school children about resilience and how they can bounce back after difficulties, adversity, trauma and even tragedy. Any adverse change in circumstance can be an opportunity to strengthen resilience. But I don’t feel stronger or transformed, I feel battered like after a fight.
In order to get through such hard times I did a few things:
A lot of deep breathing and some meditation
Self care including a couple of gong baths (if you haven’t tried one – do!)
Time out. I quit my part time job in order to create some space in life
I started using CBD oil to quell the panic I felt inside
I tried to live by the mantra “no regrets”
I did a daily gratitude practice (3 good things)
Whether you believe in fate or not, the universe does conspired to give you what you ask for, not always in ways that you expect. This year I wasn’t just slowed down but stopped in my tracks twice. The frantic busyness that we all now wear like a modern day badge of honour was stripped away and left me with something I was unfamiliar with. Like all forces of nature I couldn’t fight it, I just had to respect it and go with it.
I am so looking forward to a fresh year, one that hopefully has less tears in it. I don’t know what my intention for 2020 will be. I’m going to take my time and think carefully before throwing it out to the universe.