Too close to see
Have you ever had the experience of being too close to a situation or person that you cannot see what is right in front of you? Getting a recent thank you e mail from a parent made me think about how sometimes we can be too close, especially to family members, which in turn distorts our perspective of a situation.
“I wanted to thank you for highlighting the potential ADHD and autism in our child, which we had been blind to! They now have a diagnosis of both which I think is helpful and without your input I don’t think we would necessarily have picked up on either.”
Adolescence is a time when teens begin to seek increasing independence from parents, their physical separation is a reflection of the need to separate emotionally. Your teenager might spend a lot of time in their room. They may grunt or respond to you with one word answers when you try and engage them in conversation. Teenagers will inevitably push back on boundaries, such as phone usage, curfews or house rules. Teen years are categorised by rapid and numerous changes, so you may not see a new behaviour as out of the ordinary necessarily as everything is in flux!
Most teenagers feel overwhelmed by their emotions and they are not well equipped to express or process them. Teenagers tend to internalise what they are feeling. Usually if something does not go their way they look at themselves as the problem, asking themselves things like “what is wrong with me?” or “I must be an awful friend” Internalising emotions can trigger teenagers to become emotionally distant with others, especially their parents.
Having someone outside of the family spend some time with your teenager can be really useful in them seeing what may be hidden to you. Getting their teacher’s opinions, if they are put of a club or group – the leader might see them in a different light, or a counsellor, who won’t necessarily be able to share with you any details of the sessions, but with the young person’s consent, might be able to share suggestions that all may benefit from.
There are some things that might help you to connect and bond with your teen in order to get through the tough years of adolescence.
o Show acceptance, let them be themselves and try not to give directions all the time.
o Look for subtle signs that your teen wants to spend time with you e.g do they want to show you a Tik Tok or Snapchat reel? Or something in the game they are playing?
o Communicate with them in their preferred mode – it might be using WhatsApp or emojis
o Read between the lines – teens do not always say what they mean
o Be open to listening to them talk about things that you might think are uncomfortable, cringy or too much information!
o Try and get curious about the feelings underneath the words or behaviour – what is the shouting or door slamming really communicating?
o When your teen expresses different opinion from yours, listen without judging or getting upset.
o Verbalise “I love you.” It can become the norm not to say it, but teens still need to hear it.
o Set up some (no more than 3 or 4) firm but fair family rules. Whilst your teen will try and push against the rules, they need to know that they will be upheld. They can help your teen trust that you’ll be consistent in the way you treat them.
o Keep your cool in times of conflict. It is not effective if you regress to your inner teen self!
o When in doubt … Lovebomb! It might seem counter intuitive to be super kind to a person that is kicking off, but this technique is proven to reset the emotional thermostat and help parents move from being in a deadlock or stuck dynamic. Oliver James book “Lovebombing” is well worth a read.
Dealing with teenagers, or tweens, is challenging and there is a likelihood that you might be going through menopause or peri menopause at the same time (which has many correlations with adolescence!) Cut yourself some slack. You model to your child the behaviours that are acceptable so showing yourself some self compassion is one of the best things you can do for them!